THE DOG VIRUS

This virus is no joke. It is progressive and dangerous.

It will begin with one cute puppy.......usually for companionship. You will not realize that you have been infected even when you begin trying to convince your family that foraging for food is more rewarding than buying groceries. You may not recognize the symptoms even when 90% of your snail mail consists of pet catalogs & show entries, and "sick days" have all been used to visit every dog show within 600 miles.

By the time the virus has taken firm hold, you will have reduced your yard to a safe area that can be enjoyed by your dogs. You will be trying to sell the kids swing set to pay for the latest dog toy.

Your computer will threaten to crash because of the huge amounts of dog web sites, Nutrition sites, programs, breed lists, rescue lists, advice lists, dog images, and canine health html bookmarks that have filled all available space.

You will "borrow" from your child's college fund to add more memory. This virus will take over every room of your house in the form of flyers, catalogs, premium lists, dog toys, dog beds, crates, dog food, and dog treats. You will begin to avoid anyone who doesn't have a dog and try to convert anyone who doesn't know your breed.

Your family will not recognize you unless you're covered with dog hair. You will seriously consider a second mortgage to take advantage of dog toy sales or, even worse, dog show entries. Depression will set in immediately after the last dog show of the season. Your own dog will worry about you.

There is no cure. Thankfully, there are groups where you can talk to others that have been infected and who will understand you. With luck they'll also know of a really good sale on dog food & supplements........Author Unknown

"Making Puppies"

A man and his son were walking down the street one day. They saw two dogs having sex in a yard.

The son asked his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"

Thinking fast, the father said, "Well, son, they are making puppies."

Every thing was okay for a couple of days. Then, one afternoon, the father was making love to his wife when the son walked in.

The son asked, "Daddy, what are you doing?"

Thinking fast, the father said, "We're making you a baby brother."

The son thought for a moment, then said, "Well, roll her over, daddy, I'd rather have a puppy!"

A Vet & A Doctor

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a Vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. .....Of course, if ~that~ doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

How did you know that?

When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and we liked it that way and no one thought it was one bit funny.

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of German Shepherd puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy German Shepherd puppies and two girl German Shepherd puppies."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on their bottoms.

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB????

ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?
DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of lightbulb and find a more
efficient form of lighting--perhaps a fluorescent bulb.
SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done--they keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.
POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out.
PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No-- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
AFGHAN: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
CAT: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shiba's aren't afraid of the dark!
SCHIPPERKE: It's your lightbulb--change it yourself. Unless.....is there food involved??
POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.
BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?
WEIMARANER: Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHTBULB??
LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.
BASENJI: LIGHTBULB?? We don't change no steenking lightbulbs!!
MALAMUTE: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.
BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair.........
AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP,remove bulb , land. JUMP, replace bulb, land.
Two: What lightbulb? So? We can play in the dark.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or frisbee - and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself - you didn't have to do that - but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that."
DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.
ROTTWEILER: I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.
CORGI: I cant reach the stupid lamp!
SPRINGER: Lightbulb? Lightbulb? That thing I just ate was a lightbulb?
STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out--then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.
WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I'll change that light bulb!
GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I'll add the lightbulb to my "To Do" list...."
DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat......no, you took too long. I want TWO treats and I'll do it.........No, not that treat, the other kind. Geez..........do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by "the look".)
IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb.
PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of old light bulb..........I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB. Please???? Let go of the light bulb??????

"Never moon a werewolf."

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." That's nothing", an American replied."We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Things We Can Learn From A Dog...

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
2. Dogs like beer.
3. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
4. Dogs don't criticize.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs never expect gifts.
7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.
8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
9. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
10. Dogs don't cry.
11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
12. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late- the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
14. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
17. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
18. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
20. A dog's parents never visit.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE A LIKE

1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.